Back when I dabbled in the stock market / crypto thing (in a very dabble-ish fashion, seeing as we don’t have any money), there was an acronym I saw all the time – FUD. In other words, Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. Every time some guy on Youtube was saying that Bitcoin was tanking and we’re going to lose everything, someone would tell him to “stop spreading FUD”. Now, I happen to think Bitcoin may or may not be a ploy to normalize digital currency controlled by the government, but still.
I’ve written several first drafts in my life, and I’ve never actually edited any of them. Pretty silly, no? Drafting comes a lot more easily to me than editing, which is funny, because I was always that friend growing up who helped people write cover letters and resumes, school/university essays (I was homeschooled, so it was a novelty), and the like. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist who is still learning how to plot ahead of time.
It’s FUD, I’m telling you. It happens like clockwork.
I approach The End of a novel, I’m out of the middle-muddle, and the words are coming again. I’m enjoying myself, getting into a flow, and daring to think I’ll actually pull it off. And then I lay in bed at night (quite literally, the last couple of nights, because I watched Unsolved Mysteries and freaked myself out) and it’s just FUD, FUD, FUD banging around in my skull.
My dialogue sucks.
Why can’t I be funny? My husband thinks I’m funny. Why can’t I write funny?
Am I writing a Christian enough Christian fantasy?
Should I just make it general market clean fantasy?
But oh, wait, no, it’s too Christian for that. Or is it? Yes? Maybe?
Why would Orin do THAT?
How will I make a decent logline for this?
Does my premise even work?
Is there enough that my MC’s are driving for?
Is it too slow? Too fast?
Is this too short for adult?
Wait, should Dessa be older, then?
But that would mess with the Silent plot thing. RATS.
Truly, I could come up with hundreds of examples. Hundreds.
It’s like this weird self-sabotage. As long as I’m just drafting, it’s like I can still walk away. Nothing is set in stone yet. No one has even come close to reading it yet. I haven’t tried to fix it yet, and that’s so scary. As soon as I try to fix it, I’ll have to come face to face with all that’s wrong with it. All of these hours and hours of work, stolen minutes while my daughter eats Cheerios and my son builds LEGO creations, sacrificed reading time, sacrificed sleep, sacrificed-tidy-house.
What if it’s all for nothing? What if there’s a problem I can’t fix?
That’s the problem with FUD. It’s not that there’s anything inherently wrong with noticing flaws, or doubting yourself, or even being a little bit afraid. If you’re a writer who never has any of these thoughts, you’re probably going to be hit with reality pretty hard, because no writer is perfect, including you.
The problem is that “driving FUD” does just that – it drives your sentiment towards something negative. In the stock market, it drives the prices down if enough people believe the FUD. In writing, it drags you down. It tempts you to cut your losses, to follow the new and shiny thing, to sell, sell, sell!
So what’s the solution? How am I going to get past this?
The solution is simple. It’s not easy, it’s far from easy, but it’s simple. I’m working on breaking my addiction to the FUD. People always say to “be positive”, but I find that really hollow, at least, when I’m trying to do it alone. There’s so much about the world, heck, so much within myself that’s negative, broken, and a mess.
But in weakness, grace abounds. And as I hammer away at the last portion of this novel, that’s what I’m reminding myself of. To say thank you to God for bringing me – and this story – this far. To ask him for the strength to keep moving forward even when I’m convinced I have nothing to offer. And, most difficult of all, to say “Thy will be done” to whatever the outcome of this novel is going to be.
