Growing up, I was really into the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants film. Especially the first one. It made me REALLY want to go to Santorini.
(Unlike the perfect Lena Kaligaris, I have a typical big Greek nose and will definitely have a moustache in my forties, but let me return to the topic…)
Anyway, in this movie/book series, each girl is a “type”. Yes, very realistic, but it was 2005.
Tibby is artsy. Carmen is introspective with a hot temper. The aforementioned Lena is “shy and beautiful”. And then there’s Bridget, who is described as beautiful, spontaneous, full of energy, cool, just the very coolest.
I wanted to be a Bridget so bad, guys.
And of course in the film version, she’s played by Blake Lively, who is gorgeous and definitely doesn’t have a potential moustache or frizzy thick hair. ahem.
I wanted to be ENERGETIC, and FUN, and BEAUTIFUL, and SPONTANEOUS.
Finally, as an adult and mother of two, I’ve accepted I’m not ever going to be a Bridget. It’s just not going to happen. And it’s nothing to do with the fact that I don’t look like Blake Lively. No, this reality about who I am goes a lot deeper than how I look.
It’s just not going to happen. And it’s nothing to do with the fact that I don’t look like Blake Lively. No, this reality about who I am goes a lot deeper than how I look. It’s about the core stuff, the stuff that a Hollywood diet and bleaching my hair cannot change.
Okay, I’ve accepted that part. But can I learn to accept who I am instead? Isn’t this supposed to get easier?
It’s not cool to have a Type A personality.
It’s not cool to be a perfectionist.
It’s not cool to struggle with a hot temper.
It’s not cool to hate being spontaneous.
It’s not cool to struggle with complaining and frustration and anxiety and stress.
And perhaps worst of all, it’s not cool to care about this stuff.
Especially as a Christian. Goodness, I’m thirty years old. Shouldn’t I feel a bit more settled in by now? Sometimes I do. But often… I don’t. I question why my challenges are what they are. I question why I feel like my very personality pushes me away from growing in holiness. Etc. It’s a lot of things.
There are mornings like this, where my daughter was up all night and I couldn’t get up to write and it throws my whole day off and I feel like a failure and I’m cranky and I don’t want to “Be still and know God is God”. I don’t know what I want, but I feel off-kilter, unbalanced, unsettled, in a subtle way that feels mostly just like I’m stupid for not being good at rolling with the punches. Bridget Vreeland would roll with the punches, right?
But that’s so toxic. I’m not Bridget Vreeland. I’m not 13, trying to figure out who I am. I know my identity as a Christian… but there’s the small issue of having to live in this world. And things don’t make sense here. And things are uncertain.
And maybe it’s okay.
Maybe (definitely) God knows the start and the end of me. And maybe there’s still time to let grace build on nature. Because even when I don’t feel it, I know one thing is true: God’s love does not destroy what is good. It perfects it. It can perfect me. However broken I am at the beginning, even at thirty years old.
I think feeling unsettled once in a while is a part of the aging process. Let’s be honest, life is constantly changing and as the kids get older you will be faced with even more challenges and frustrations. You’ve been doing pretty well with staying consistent, don’t let a couple of chaotic days or weeks bring you down.
You are amazing as you are and you are doing great. Give yourself more credit. <3
Love you <3 Thank you. I know, it's totally unreasonable to expect things to go perfectly 100% of the time. But it's funny how much Dawson is actually like me on this one. He also gets so easily messed up when his routines are off. But you're right, the most important thing is to just get back at it and not let a week become a month or a year.